Miserable, yet Happy

Have you ever had a day where you felt just plain miserable?
That nothing in the entire world can cheer you up?

Well my friends, that happened to me last evening/ today.

I dwell on things like it is nobody's business.

And man oh man does it ever mess me up.

I personally, worry about, my problems, my friend's problems, the world's problems and everything in between. And let's be honest, I do it all the time, and it practically rips my heart straight out of my chest everytime.

And another thing you may not know, is that I am always trying to bear everyone else's problems as well as my own, in effort for them not to feel as much pain.

Now, as you all know from past blogs, I have lost a friend over this past year. And it really has changed my life.

Not only am I super super super super super careful what I tell people, because of past events I have major trust issues.

Last night, after all the kids had left camp, I decided to have hardcore heart to heart with my best friend and a guy so close to me I call him my brother.

Now McGillivary and I only met last summer, but we seem to have a simple understanding with eachother. He is there for me, no matter what, and I am there for him in the same way. we have only been friends for about a year now, but when it comes to McGillivary, he has a certain air about him that makes me know that I am able to trust him.

Last night, we started talking because as soon as everyone had left, I felt a sense of loss, and of sadness, which to me, was unexplainable. Or so I thought.

This however was easily proved wrong by my brother.

We talked some casual funny stuff first, while the guitar music of a friend lingered in the background, lulling us deeper into conversation.

First came up the topic of the lost friend, and to be honest, I lost it. McGillivary hugged me, and just told me it was okay, and that everything was fine. To be honest, I couldn't have asked for anything better in that situation.

The second topic was even more touchy for me... imagine.

Let's get a bit of background on the second topic before I continue.

I had one huge of an idiot of a boyfriend before my now current boyfriend. He was... interesting, and was pretty much a huge jerk and anyway, I haven't really seen/ talked to him for at least 3 years ( my choice indefinitely).

I worked at camp this week, as you may have read in my previous blog, he randomly showed up on thrusday night. I was freaking out. I told all my friends ( mostly the guys) and more or less, didn't leave McGillivary's side the entire evening.

McGillivary in fact was practicing his throwing against a tree, and it made my day, in fact my whole.

The second topic was in fact my ex, we didn't date for very long, but I tell you it was a screwed up thing, and I am glad that I have grown up so much since that time.

Never had I really really cried about this screwed up relationship. But McGillivary sat there and listened. He heard me out, he understood what I was feeling. And that to me, was a real gift.

I never realized how amazing it is to have a friend who truly understands you.

I never thought that after the loss of such a good and close friend, I would have an even better friendship. But you know what, I do.

I am actually glad that I became miserable for that time, because it made me even more thankful for what I have, who I have become, and who I will become in the future.

That is all.

Westie <3

Not Knowing.

I always thought I knew where I was going in life, I have an amazing family, awesome friends and fantastic opportunities.

But lately my opinions and ideas have been changing, and I don't mean just a little bit. I am not meaning the way I see my future going, like my path of my education I have chosen, I mean in the way I should be approaching things that will be coming my way.

I have been at Camp Wildwood this week, and have been enjoying my time here, immensely. It is such a fond memory to always come back here and revisit the place where I grew stronger in my walk with God.

I chose not to work at camp this past summer due to financial reasons in regards to my University education. I am now wondering, if I made the right choice.

Once I got here, I saw how happy I was again to be living, to be experiencing and to be interacting with all the camp related activities and people. It felt good to be home. Camp will always be a second home for me.

I thought I was going to have a rough time re-entering my "persona" here at camp. I wasn't sure if I would be able to relate to what I had left so many months ago.

As it turns out, I was wrong. Camp this week has been a real growing experience, I have missed God in my life this summer. I never realized it so much until I made my way back here again after so long. Before I came back here, that Sunday before I left, I felt lifeless, lifeless and un spirited. And I was, I was going through the motions of "shift work". And I never really liked my job this summer.

On Sunday night, just the first night of camp, my soul came back, I was becoming more comfortable, and I was becoming me again. I didn't live the way I was supposed to this summer, and I realize this now. God needed to be in my life. I needed him there with me. Instead, I left him alone, while he asked, "Sharilyn, my child where are you? You need me, I know you do". But I always ignored him. Now, I realize my mistake. I realize that I had been foolish. I made the wrong choice to try and live without God, when really, I needed him every step of the way.

Last evening, I had an experience like no other. The guys and girls were seperated into two groups. I opened the Vespers for the girls with a few songs. And felt God's hand right on my shoulder. I knew that right there, things were going to be emotional and heartfelt. I was right,

We had two people share their testimonies, and well as those being powerful, a girl from my cabin shared her story, she lives in a group home, and had had so many experiences that I couldn't even comprehend. I closed with a song, that help so very appropriate, before I move on I want to share a few of those words from the song with you.

"Hungry I come to you, for I know, you satisfy, I am weary, but I know your touch does not run dry.
So I wait for you, so I wait for you!
I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus you all this heart, if living for".

I knew that I had made the right choice for the song. And with everything that had happened, I knew that I had been touched myself with the stories that had been told.

As I went back towards the lodge, I felt overcome with sadness. I was torn, and couldn't even relate to what had happened. My friend Reddy came to me and asked if I was okay, I just looked at him, I my eyes filled with tears. I couldn't pretend any longer. He put his arms around me, and I cried into his shoulder. It was a very emotional time for me.

I could hardly believe myself. I was just so sad, I could hardly relate to this girl. I had so much, and complained about so much. Just today I found out that she was only 13 years old. It was awful. Her little sister, is only 7 which makes things so much worse. Hopefully she won't have the same fate.

Things only got more emotional. My friend that I call my brother was deeply saddened. I thanked Reddy for what he did and I ran off to catch up with my brother.

I finally caught up with him at the lodge. He was silenced with sadness. I asked him 3 questions.

"Are you okay?"- silence and shakes head
"Do you want to be left alone?"- shakes head no
"Do you want me to stay with you?"- shakes head yes.

We then began to talk and he told me his story, And let me tell you, everything that happened ripped my heart out. He has cancer again, he is struggling with a heart problem, and he blames it all on himself.

Here I began to cry, and cry. I sat with him for a while, and we sat close together. As I stroked his arm, and prayed for him, my eyes released salty tears. I couldn't help it. I love him, he is my best friend, and I don't want to loose him as my friend.

Eventually my friend MacLeod came over and took him away. I was extremely happy with this because, MacLeod is so much wiser than me. And I realized that the fact that he is a guy could help him relate even more so to his struggles and unhappiness.

Sometimes I question myself, and wonder if I really know what is going to happen in my future, or even how the next day or minute of my life is going to go. I now realize that i never will know, but there is something that can help me.

What can help me from not knowing what to say or do is God. This week has been a blessing for me and now I have a lot more decisions to make that will effect my future.

I really wanted to share that with you all.

That is all.

Westie<3

It's Diet Time

Yup
I said it.

It is diet time. Oh yah.. H-core

this is going to be an extremely brief blog to share a little bit about me+dieting.

Believe it or not, I went on an extreme weight loss deal last year.

By the end of last sumer... I was 180... yeah... 20 pounds off of 200 and frig my life if I hadn't slowed down I would have been in trouble..

I am now, 165-167 depending, but even for my height and bone density, I am still overweight.

So, in order to fix this I am going on a diet once again starting tomorrow.


Now my dieting works actually extremely well, I am actually a person who will spit something out if it isn't good.

Here is what my dieting consists of this time around.

1- Water, water water- age old trick is still going strong
2- Milk- when dieting, it is extremely important to make sure that your bones still remain healthy, but try to cut down your percentage, ( I personally drink skim)
3- Cut out sugar- face it, sugar is bad... no way around it. What I usually do to get myself completely off sugar, is to go on a 3 week cleansing. I do this by cutting sugar for 3 weeks, and by the end, I am well on my way to a healthy lifestyle.
4-Cut out un necessary fats- if you don't need chips-- don't eat them.
5- Cut down on carbs- carbs= not good, have probably one meal a day with a carb ( lunch/breakfast) but leave you supper clear of them if possible.
6- Exercise- at least 1/2 an hour daily-- at LEAST
7- Drink green tea- one of the well known fat burning drinks.
8- Do ab exercises- just loosing the weight is great, but you will want to tighten the tummy at the same time.
9-Get sleep- less sleep, more cravings for unhealthy food.
**also try and avoid big meals before sleep, this is because everything slows down when you sleep
which leads to..
10- Stop eating after 7 pm- this is an extremely healthy thing to do period. If you ARE going to eat something, make it be a veggie or fruit.

If anyone has any questions to what else I do when it comes to dieting, add me on facebook, Sharilyn West, or leave me a comment below.

That is all.

Westie<3